more i trying to smile
more pain my heart was...

but i really dont want to cry

i am tired
so so tired...

how strong a tree
someday it may die to

" then just let it die "

then i would not trying to fight anymore...


i am tired...

i know you probably thinking i was a mess
my whole family and i was mess

and if you thinking that when you telling me about your family
i will feel like annoying
no.
you are wrong
i do feel jealous
but i dont feel like somekind bad
and i was happy
too see someone i care , having a great and loving family

i am not that kind of girl that will feel jealousy and have a bad feeling for someone
i do think too much
i do hard to trust someone
i do have bad emotion
but i wont harm someone i love

which people dont want to be loved?

before i will take compare
why my family was different with others
but i dont really matter about it now

before i want someone to love me
and hell yea
i lack of parents love
and i need someone to give me love
but i am a big girl now
that dont matter to me
no matter who love or hate me
it still my life
and i still will live it...
and if i do really need someone to love me
i already leave you long long time ago

all this time i was giving more than i take
if you do really care about me
you should giving me more attention ,rite?

but if i am telling the problem
nothing i would get

you are not me
how can you know my feeling?
even sometimes myself dont even know what im feeling


i was sad when you told me that
that i was feel like "beh song" when you tell me about your family

you are so wrong

i ever wish to God
i wish that nobody would be same like me
and i wont never ever let my children having the same pain with me

we all need love
but to get love
we have to love...

i have already give you love
so can i have your love too?


as far i know
i get nothing...

[i wonder do you look alike me?] =]

i want to wish my baby in heaven
Merry Christmas... : )
now was 24
its Christmas Eve
i will write a letter for Santa
Mom will help you to write a letter for Santa Clause okay?
make sure Santa get you a present ^^
when i get my salary
mom buy you a present ^^
i think there's is no Snow in Heaven rite?
i hope dont have
because i dont want you to get cold there...
yesterday i didnt work
i saw many nice clothes there
probably some will suit you sweet heart
buy you some jacket
so u can wear it while you cold...
take care yourself there...
when my times come...
i'll be there with you...
be good , while i am not around...
i'll always watching you..even you are far away in the sky there...

sorry ...
if only i didnt make mistake...
you wont be waste away...
i am sorry...
i do really sorry...
in this life time...
i'll never forgive myself..
for what i have done to you...

i am so pressure baby...
i love you ...
i do really want you...
i want to share something...
i think you already know ,what do mom confusing now rite??
mom do really cofused...=[
wish you are here...

for you, ...
why do we go so wrong..
why everything have to be so complicated?
do we really nid stay like this forever?

i wish i could go far far away from here...
wishing there would be no more stressed in my life

how my heart pain saw you like this tonight...
you can hurt me
but i am not allowed you to hurt urself

i dont know whats happening inside me...
but i am struggling inside...
do anyone know my heart bleeding inside?

do you even know , i have already stay so long here...waiting you...
i stay , i hurt
i leave , i hurt

which way for me that i wont be hurt?

"dont go "

i longing to hear it for a long time

but i never really heard it

it might be to late now...

doesnt it , jayden?

1 day to christmas eve
2 days to christmas

i have nothing to plan
except work
work work work
escape from everything confusing me

you were the one who affect my life the most
i hate to admit it
but it was true
you stand too much place on my life

i was tired
of everything...
for everything you have put me through .
you know i was tired , but still you continue to torture me like this

you stand 100% in my heart
but i stand 0% in yours

when you angry, you just throw me away like a rubbish!
yes, i am nothing but a rubbish for you !

im such a foolish

jay,im sorry
but i am not forgetting you here
night sweet heart
i'll see you soon
:)

today finally i could really smile
for awhile .
no matter whats makes you coming tonight
i dont want to know
as long you come
thats enough for me

but somehow i feel somethings weird
well
i dont know what
i just feel that way

today it was first time i didnt cry
indeed i am laughing
-.-

should i feel happy or sad?
rofl.

perhaps,if you give me time
a time and space for me
to let you go easily
i can do that...
=]
but i just need we to keep in touch until that day reach ...

suddenly i feel i was like on sale
or it was a sign for me
to choose which life i wanna be?

i am so confused
God damn confused
:(

i wish to get my salary soon
i cant wait to visit my baby ... : )
i love you baby
goodnight
sleep tight
dont cry and naughty there...

here's my baby , a lullaby for you
:)
come,stop ur crying, it will be alright...
just take my hands ,hold it tights
i will protect you from all around you
i will be here , dont you cry :)

for one so small , you seems so strong
my arms will holds you ,keep you safe and warm
this bond betweens us cant be broken
i will be here , dont you cry .. : )

coz you'll be in my heart
from this day on ,now and forever more..

you'll be in my heart
no matter what they say

you'll be in my heart...
always...

goodnight Jay and Jun...
i love both of you...

whats true
1、她总是问：你在哪？你干什么呢？(她很关心你，只是想跟你说说话，你不给她发信息，她很矛盾，怕你在忙，但又忍不住想你，换了别人，爱干嘛干嘛，她不关心，所以请你一有时间就问候她一下，让她放心，让她知道你心里有她，她总是主动联系你，她会觉得她贱)。

2、她说：天冷了，记得多穿衣服。(不要嫌她烦，不要说她像你妈，你妈妈有时可能都比不上她对你的关心，换了别人，冻死也不关她的事，她知道你不傻，她只想让你知道她心里有你)。

3、她说：我不高兴了。(不要怪她无理取闹，她不是真的不开心，只是想你了，只是想要你几句安慰的话，哪怕是：乖~别闹了)。

4、她总说自己又胖了或者长得不够漂亮。(不要觉得她嫉妒别人，她只是怕在你眼中不够完美)。

5、她总说她会帮你，让你有事找她。(其实她知道她帮不了你什么，她只想让你知道你还有她，她永远在你身边陪你)。

6、不论是过马路还是走在哪，她用手死死拽住你的胳臂。(不要说她粘人，她只是告诉你她信任你)。

7、她看到你跟别的女生亲近一些就会生气。(别说她小气，不信任你，她其实是在吃醋，这表示她十分在乎你)。

8、她爱忧伤，爱掉泪。(别怪她多愁善感，她只是缺乏安全感，你要知道，她很少会为别人流泪)。

9、在买东西时她总征求你的意见。(别说她没主见，依赖你，她只是尊重你，凡事以你为先)。

11、她总假装生气转身离开。(记住，她不是真地想走，离开时想要被挽留)。

12、她会突然冷淡你，或向你撒娇。(别怪她孩子气，她只是想让你哄哄她)。

她会常常失落…但你却不知道，或许还在和别人嘻戏，而她却躲在角落为你在哭泣……是那么的令人心疼……只是你都不知道、不知道。

她如果喜欢淋雨……她心里一定有事……是因为她快哭了、因为雨可以帮她掩饰泪！！

3rd day
still the same
still emo here ...
well sometimes i am not
but it only last for a couple hours...

i hate memories ...
so much .

i still not getting any better today
well, whats good today
that i am not crying that much
because i keep myself busy
but eventough i am busy
i am still not in the mood
i am just not crying so much
but still cry .

sister send me a msg just now
asking how i am doing now
i am still the same here
stuck in the same place
when he left me, i am stop here in my place
even if i am walking ...
i just walk in my place , but im not moving on...
i'm such a slow person
but i feel abit happy sister still care a bit about me
not like his brother
but sister ask me to accept it
well , its not that i dont accept it
i already accept that he doesnt love me
it just i feel so unwilling .
i just feel not okay
after what we have build , its over with a blink of eye
i know he was doing well there...
he let go all thing easily...
he forget thing easily..
i wish i can be like that , but i cant ...

people saying i was too naive
i know i was naive
but what can i do?
i'm in love
if i can stop it , i'll stop it.

whats makes my heart break the most
it was you , jayden
i am so sorry...
i promise you , i'll never forget you as long as i live
although we never met before,
but i really love you ...
although i just knew you for a couple weeks
i really want you ...
although i scream that i dont want you ,
it just because i dont want you to become just like me ...
having a hard life without any love....

i promise you , when i have my salary ...
i'll come to visit you, en?
so be nice there ..
and wait for mummy... : )
mom wont be long ...
don't cry there.. i am always here ...
you break my heart if you cry ,en?
mom didnt ask you to forgive ...
but mom hopes you forgive him .
jay, you have to know
i love you ...and i really do
i am really so sorry....
everytime i saw a little baby , i would think of you
and i have tears in my eyes
you know that dont you ,jay?
i cant express my feeling for you ,i just can say i was sorry...
i even cant forget it until now...
even no one knows about you , but you'll always in my heart
you'll live here forever ...
if only i much bigger than now, i swear
i will stay you down ,no matter what .

this 29,you already gone for 4 months
time pass really fast
jay.
your size was 29
i lose u on 29
him.
i start with him on 29
wow...29...
it was the number i cant never forget in my life...

if only jay were here , i maybe still have some light for my Christmas
if only we all are still here , i'll be the happiest woman on earth on this Christmas
rite, Santa?
you know what i'm asking for

i wish to skip this Christmas
i wish to sleep for 10 years, and when i wakes
i forget everything
start a new life ....
sometimes i really wish myself could go to far place
where i can have peace and love ...

i'm so stuck here...
there's no way for me
all my path was dark
i was alone ....
the only my mistake is
i make him as my everything and now he's left
i have nothing ...












Baby , our relationship has come to 15 months =]





i was naive , really....
i trust something that doesnt real
i only chasing a fantasy
i didnt know that, this is not fairytale
happily ever after doesnt exist
but somehow i still make myself trust that you are the one

i though i was such a fast woman
i though i can let go all of this easily
because i dont have problem having a new one...
but i have problem to have a new feeling
i have problem to forget
i have problem to love anyone else
i have problem ...

some say i was stupid
some say i was naive
some say i was blind
i not so remember it again
my mind was empty...
i even dont know what i'm thinking now...

i dont really smile...
i even cant breath well...
is that broken heart can be this worst?

should i give them some chance?


i even cant hold my tears now...

i am tired....

jay , i am tired....

For her future Gf, please take care of my boyfriend .

addicted this song for you

When first snow came
We promised that going to walk together this street but now it's empty street

I'm holding our small rings and our messy memories
What's wrong
What makes you hates me

I can't think about it
You may like her because she's better than me
Please tell me you are sorry or miss me

Even you are not going back to me
You look happy with her so I'll back you off one step back
I don't make you smile so it's useless holding you
I'm not the one that makes your heart is beating
Please tell me you are sorry or miss me

Even you are not going back to me
You look happy with her so I'll back you off one step back
It's not so true isn't it?
I know that everything, I was so scared
But I denied

I'm sorry, you may hurt too
I don't wanna see you even by accident
but you two are so good together
I'm alright

Even you are not mine I will keep an eyes on you
I won't forget you so fast because I'm such a slow woman

i hate you .
you were the person i hate the most in this world .
i really hate you ...
i wish i can hate you instead of love you ...

i always love Christmas
but now i fear to face this Christmas
this Christmas i already plan a lot of things..
i even lie my manager just to get off day on that day..
i even plan to buy Christmas cake to celebrate it
i never eat Christmas cake before
just because i never eat it , i want to eat it together with someone special
i even already plan the present
i even plan to stay his house
writing a letter to Santa clause because we had already promise to write it together before
but now i am here... left alone .
hahahaha . i am so dumb
so God damn idiot!
now i am so regret...
that day i am going to sit alone at home
hiding in my room and crying like a little children...
what you doing to me?
you should tell me earlier
you should not let me disappointed like that...
Christmas is getting near
fuck.
what should i do with it?
i dont wan stay at home
im sure i'll become crazy if i stay at home alone




you are so easily to moving on..
this was the part i admire you the most..
i wish i can be like you.
you can change and delete picture easily...
you can walk away easily like it was nothing happen

i can say that you're awesome .

every night ...
just like this silent night...
i will cry suddenly thinking of memories...
listening some song , then i would cry loud...
did you guys watch twilight?
the part when Edward leave Bella
yea.. i was in that situation...
i wakes up screaming and crying for having nightmare
even when i wake i am still having nigtmare
here comes Jacob...
but Bella doesnt love Jacob
she likes Jacob
but she loves Edward

i cry myself to sleep
cry myself to wake
cry myself in road
cry myself in bas
cry myself at work
everywhere i go , just if i the memories flash back
i can hear the sound of my tears dropping.


i am tired
so damn tired...


the memories still come back ...
and keep come back ...

i really really so tired now
first day try to forgetting you are harder than i thought
i was okay suddenly
but when i chat with Jeko
i am super down...
i ask Jeko will he have a gf soon..
she said mayb
i ask why
she said i feel will have a girl crazy him

what the fuck
thats word likes killing me
ya , i know he will forget me soon
i know he will have a gf within one month
soon he going to throw all the things i gave him
he going to love another woman
he going to start his life his another woman
and bla bla bla
ya, i do know it all
but it just i cant accept it now
i really cant imagine how he going to threw all my things
i already hurt enough he ignore me

for one week we break up
i cried much for one week
i dont wan to cry anymore
i cant sleep everynight
just thinking this annoying things
i hurt my hands when i work
jst thinking this sucks thing
i have enough....

what the fuck is going on with me
i am so so so tired

this like a nightmare
but what worst is
even when i am wake up
this nightmare still keep going on..

someone wakes me up...
i really so suffer now....

i really want to forget him
bt not bcoz what he had done to me
but i dont want to make him harder
both of us can have a better life
its not that i dont want to see him with another girl
sure i want him to be happy
it just i cant accept it
God knew that i love him so much
and how much i always love him
my prays always have him inside
i will be so sad if he had another love that fast...
i know he even wont care my feeling
if i forget him soon
nothing will be wrong write?

today i asked him for the last time
you dont love me already , dont you

i only ask you to answer me for the last time
but you even dont want to reply
i know.
your answer was no
you are afraid .
but it was my false
i was just too stubborn .

but you dont even know
how many courage i am using just to send you one message
how i'm scare when i see there's is one msg in my inbox
i give meyself a little hope
but when i open it
once again , this tears flow down...

i am done .
i give in many times
but u just push me away again and again ...

again and again i am fall...
i have already try all my best
now its my time to give myself a time
a time to recover for all this pain

dont you know i was so heart pain?
for all this thing have been through..
u finished it by saying " it was our problems"
but then you said " yes, im not love you anymore"
i check and check my phone , whether i see wrong about it
but then thousand im check
i keep dissapointed
because it was right .


i always said promise that i wont find you anymore...
but i cant do it..
but seems now i have to do it...
even i cant it do...
it been so obvious that you really doesnt love me anymore

goodbye my lover ,
thank you for the pain you giving me
and the memories you giving me...

you wont even know how much i love you ...

明知道爱情并不牢靠

但是我还是拼命往里跳

明知道再走可能是监牢

但是我还是相信只是煎熬

朋友都劝我不要不要

不要拿自己的幸福开玩笑

但是做人已经那么累

假惺惺的想要逃

在爱里连真心都不能给

这才真正的可笑

爱得太真 太容易

让自己牺牲

太容易让自己沉沦

太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕

我太笨 明知道你是错的人

sick is really not good
but its better than heart sick
i'm not going to work today because i am sick
bad bad sick
probably i was over tired and feel stressed
i am sleeping whole day

dont want to stay awake
because if i am , i will think too much
and started myself to cry again

i saw a page
makes me touch
http://www.facebook.com/#!/alvissk
but really stupid damn stupid guy!
it just a 4 months relationship!
but i cant judge other people
because i know how he feel..

how it feels to lose someone you love so much

if there is some medicine out there that can help me to lose my memory
i'll do anything to get it
dying to get it
:(
because some memories are just too hurt..

i am not hoping you'll find me
but at least i hope you will feel sad about me just a lil bit
just a bit
i only asking a bit not much
but you are just so mean
.....................................................................................
a 1.5 years relationship mean nothing for you ...

every memories that we have made
really mean nothing for you?
all the little things we have laugh together
mean noting for you?
all the promise that we have say before
mean nothing too?


everytime i recall the memories
i cry ,cry and cry
would you cry and feel sad when you remember our memories just like the way i do?
or maybe u never think abt me and our memories..


this break up ...
probably u were the one who happy...

i noe you are happy , rite?
its not i am saying too much

but you do really happy
you still can laugh and jokes like the way you are



pensy
you are just so stupid!

i can pretend that i am not sad
but i cant lie myself that i still love him so much .